stand up ideas


When I moved to US decade and a half ago, I didn't really speak English. I've studied it a lot in school and my mom sent me to many on and off and on again private classes. And that helped build some vocabulary. I could use some simple phrases, I've learned Hokey-Pokey song. I've watched a lot of TV. PBS and all local channels I could get on the crappy TV package we had. Basically, my TV was filled with Sesame Street, Friends and day-time shows.
I watched it all, though I did prefer Friends. I found it more valuable and useful in real life then Sesame Street and Ponderosa. It was entertaining. And Jenifer Aniston was there.. I would have as much trouble picking between Meg Ryan and Jennifer Aniston as Joey picking between sex and food.
Friends, you see, taught me American idioms, phraseology and intonation. I've discovered that as long as you have the right intonation, you can mumble all day long.

  • How you doin'? (like Joey says it)
  • moo point and may other phrases Joey misunderstood, mispronounced and misused.
  • [Chandler's] sarcasm (think of / look up better / more examples, maybe scrap it altogether) I've also learned that Joey doesn't share food..

Eventually, I came across Seinfeld show. Do you like Seinfeld? Oh, it was glorious. But, when Seinfeld was not on, all I've had was Jerry's namesake - Jerry Springer. They don't have much in common, other than being entertainers and a have sense of humor. You gotta be able to laugh to survive those Springer shows.
To this day, when I want to say Jerry Seinfeld it's very hard for me not to say Jerry Springer, may they forgive me both.

Mandatory disclaimer

The fist and last time I'll be able to use this is the first time I perform in public with this.

in Jerry Seinfeld's voice:

What's the deal with Tinder?

Online Dating

I've tried dating sites before, without success I must add. Though once, I've engaged into 3 month relationship with someone I've met through one of the dating sites. My most of my messages were either not responded to, or I wish they weren't (expand on that..). As it goes, it didn't work out. What are you gonna you!? Try again, of course. "If at first you don't succeed,: Try, try, try again" (c) William Edward Hickson.
After some "research", it's easy to notice that most every girl wants to be made to laugh and adventurous and there is nothing wrong with that. But the conclusion I draw is, you gotta be funny, have some free time and at least a car. Who's funny and has a car.. Clowns are funny, I guess. And they are great with cars - funny cars. Bingo!
Tinder, however, has it's own cultural standards, it's own lingo, you know.
I've missed the beginning of some of these things, but what I've missed, I've seen referenced and my friends filled me in on some things... cause you know.. you feel kinda stupid looking up "photo with fish" online after you starting to notice a pattern. Or ...
... there are these photo poses.. Girls, do you think you look attractive when you make a face like this (fish lips together, kissing motion, head tilted, sideways gangster peace sign)? You know what I'm talking about? It's sort of a gangster duck face..
You do? Oh, sorry, I must be behind on this. I gotta catch up.. (make a duckface with above mentioned gangster peace sign). Am I doing it right? (make a "Chandler smile" (Friends)).
Other times it a minimum 3 girls in the picture and you have no idea who you are looking at/for..

So, according to my research (which is my no means scientific, complete or statistically significant (weeell, I did see a lot of profiles)), these days most girls are into:

  • whiskey and/or bourbon (myself, I prefer cognac, which is not far from bourbon or whiskey, just smoother.. The difference is like between Miley and NPR's 9pm Weekend Jazz. Okay, Miley is great. High energy, good kid, she is going places.)
  • lifting (!)
  • crossfit (!?) (wait, is it code for something? (expand on that))

On one of these sites, as I was filling out the questionnaire, I came across a question about exercise.. I selected "nope", as I tend to be honest about these things.. Though I'm starting to suspect I should not be, more on this later.
So browsing through my matches, surprised to seeing an occasional guy, didn't think twice after seeing couple of guys. But then for every 10-20 girls, there is a guy.. Definitely a guy.. which makes me wonder if after all these questions I've answered, this site knows me better than I know myself, makes me wonder maybe I'm not looking for the right type of person, you know? Maybe I should be looking at guys.. like, maybe I'm gay? Which might explain a lot of failure in my love life.. Not that there is anything wrong with that.. But I like boobs so much! Anyway..
Right! Browsing though my matches, 9 out of 10 girls (since I don't even look at guy's profiles for more than it takes me to realize it's a dude), claim that they exercise multiple time a week, lift weights, do crossfit, run an occasional marathon, spartan races.. yikes! (brows high in horror/surprise). Don't get me wrong, that's wonderful and I'd like to get into that kind of a lifestyle. Slowly, like very slowly.. Like I'll start by watching Boston Marathon from a chair I dragged a block from my house to rt135 with a beer in hand. But, damn! - it's intimidating.. And kinda demanding! Give a guy a break, let's ease into it. So after consultation with my friends, I've decides to check off "racquet sports" in Sports and Exercise section of my personal profile. You see, I play ping-pong daily during work lunch, anywhere between 20 to 30 minutes and often I'm soaked. It's an active game.. and I'm good at it. It's gotta count for cardio? And when I say I'm good, I mean not any kind of "league" level "good", but definitely at "kick your amateur non-league ass" good. So I felt I could say that I exercise daily and play "racquet sports",


mondegreen / soramimi

I've always been fascinated by these innocent phrases that have alternative meaning:

  • can I fill you up?
    now this is the phrase I'm dying to use. I mean, I might be killed on the spot if I actually attempt to feel up the girl after she inadvertently accepts my help in filling up the tank of her car.
  • Tuwana Faulk (guy's name)
    this is an actual guy's name; a name of the guy I've met and worked with for few month. So, all credit goes to him. He told me that he would introduce himself by his first and last name only ('d you wanna fuck?), without saying anything else.. often he'd get a look or more likely a slap. But on occasion, he'd get an affirmative replay and it was worth it. I guess it's a numbers game.